Sunflowers

The last two days I have been painting this bouquet of flowers in a weekend drawing class. We were seven people. Some were from the drawing class I had attended the past two semesters, some from a watercolor class my teacher is teaching. So we could either draw in pastels or use watercolors. Because I love doing the details I didn´t even finish my painting, while everybody else was doing two different pictures... *LOL*
In the beginning I intended to draw some pumpkins and a vase, but my heart craved to draw the bouquet of flowers... So while fear told me I could never ever do this, because I didn´t even know where to start, I told myself to try it anyway. I feared more that I would probably never try this at home, where noone could help me if I needed it. Well, my teacher didn´t help me either. Instead she rather intimidated me. She said I was painting well, BUT that this was not the right medium for me. It would be better for me to try painting in goache... She said that painting in watercolors was all about colors flowing into each other. That she thinks about something different when she thinks of a watercolor painting. Like what she is doing (that´s what she meant, although she didn´t say it). All wet-in-wet technique. But I said, I thought there were no rules. She thinks there are. I told her that many botanical illustrations are done in watercolor, but she said that they are done mostly in goache...
When I started the vase in class, because I thought it would be better to try it there, so she could help me, she just started criticising me for doing something that was still too diffucult for me. But I like doing difficult things. It´s more interesting to me. So what, if I ruin the vase but the rest still looks good? So what if I don´t get everything perfect? I have never done anything this difficult before! I´m amazed it already looks THIS good, for god´s sake! When I asked for help she couldn´t even explain how to do it. She just said that this is not the right way. So I asked, if she could show me on a different sheet of paper. But she said it wouldn´t help, because she would do it so differently. Great! So how do I go about? I don´t mind to being criticised, if it´s helpful. That´s why I went to this stupid class! But I had this feeling that she just could not bear I was already as good as I am. Maybe because she had tried to explain some basics to me, only to realize that I could already do that. I think that it bugged her. Although I listened to her and acknowledged what she did. I didn´t offend her in any way. But I think it offended her that I could already do it. So what was I to do? Pretend that I could not?
I decided to work out how to draw the vase at home. She gave me the bouquet and the vase to go on painting at home, but I was feeling intimidated today, so I didn´t work on it anymore. Stupid, ha? But I have looked up techniques on flower illustration and found out, I´m using the watercolor with too much water on my brush (the picture is a little paler in reality). So I can use watercolor! I do not need to use goache to get the colors more intense! Although I will try it anyway. Because maybe it is something I will like. But still I hate the way she said all that. It was the way she was saying all of that. Afterwards, even the other people in my class did not say anything about my painting anymore, whereas in the morning they had all ooohd and aaahd about it. I think they where afraid of falling from our teachers grace. So be it.
I have looked up how other illustrators do their botanical illustrations. And some do use goache. But many of those use it only to work in the highlights. Ha!
I´m glad I don´t go to her regular classes anymore... I need somebody else.
When I think about it, I think it all has to do with me telling her the weekend before that I want to go into the illustration business one day. I had shown her my Bird Picture before and she thought it was cute. But when I told her about my plans she said that they would not work out. That I needed to go to art school first. That it would be too tough to get published without a degree. When I told her that I know about a few artists who do get published even though they have never seen the insides of an art school, she just said: "Who knows, if that is true." I said that I knew it would not be easy, that I knew I would need more experience before I could do it, that I didn´t depend on it for a living, beause I could always work with my law degree... She still shook her head at me. So now you know it wasn´t just the examination blues I had last week... Although somewhere deep within I still believe I will make it! It´s just a matter of time and more practice. I won´t let anyone take my dream away ever again! NO!