Journal of a Mouse

Monday, September 19, 2005

Three days to go...

...and I´m a nervous wreck. I´m really doing my best to revise and not overdo it. But I have never been this afraid of any testing situation before.
I think it has to do with this being my last chance and because I´m scared of not finding a job if I fail at these exams. Or maybe it´s more like being scared of being labeled as a looser. Yes. I´m scared that people will look down on me or worse yet, turn away from me, if I screw up. Even though I know that for me this exam is not really sooo important, in the face of what other people might think of me, my own opinions don´t seem to matter at all. Even all other plans of mine feel like a fraud. I feel like "I have to pass this exam or else I´m worthless sh.t". It´s like my world´s going to crash if I´m not able to make it.
And I know that that cannot be true. I know I would survive. I know that it would not be easy, but that I´ll get over it eventually. So why am I still so scared?
I grew up surrounded by a large family of people (of course there were some exceptions) who only accepted and respected people for the great things they did, the respectable jobs they held, the kind of family they came from, how well people conformed... Everyone who didn´t have anything to brag about was more or less overlooked. I never seemed to fit in or be good enough in their eyes. Which has been especially tough, because family was preached to be the highest value in my life. So I always felt obliged to at least try to fit in and be accepted. But it was hopeless.
All my life I tried to give my all to becoming someone I am not. And although I have gotten over most of this these last years, I always fall back into this kind of thinking when I am under stress or in a situation where other people have to judge me. Even this blog thing triggered these fears at first.
It´s still really tough for me to stand up to myself, telling me that I have the right to not be like people expect me to be . That I have the right even to have these stupid fears.
Still, I wonder why these fears have not been this strong at all, when I waited for the results of my written exams. I think, it might have something to do with other people´s expectations, too. Before, no one expected me to have passed the written exams. But now, everybody is telling me that noone ever failed at the oral exams. That they won´t let people screw up at these... So what , if this is not true for me? What if I do fail at something that everybody tells me is doable? I´m really not all that well prepared.


At 5:07 PM, Blogger Roz said...

Oh Honey, You have to relax. Please relax. You are going to do great. You are not going to fail. YOu are going to drive yourself crazy with this negative thinking. I know it must be hard because you are fighting against a thought process you have been taught but you have to be true to yourself here. You are going to survive this and shine. Don't worry about doing great, just focus on getting through it and plan on a special gift to yourself that you'll immediately do once it's over. You are not going to fail. You can do it.

At 8:04 PM, Anonymous Tine said...


You can and you will pass the oral exam. Kick 'fail' out of your head, just envision how you kick it out and replcae it with 'pass', it's a way more beautiful word anyway. Pass, pass, pass, pass!! Repeat it like a mantra.
See, you have fear of failure and I have a fear of success. We both have our demons and we will fight them!!!
Roz is right, treat yourself to something really special and nice once your exam is over. Something that your heart alwasy wanted to have.

At 9:28 PM, Blogger Bea said...

Thank you both sooo much! It means a LOT to me!!!
I feel a little better right now and I hope it stays this way. I went for a walk this afternoon and when my boyfriend came home, we both went to the city for some ice cream and talked. Roz, you are so right about not worrying about doing great. I did expect myself to do perfect and know every answer. But I didn´t realize it. It´s one of my traps! It´s this stupid all-or-nothing thinking I have. So I decided to not study as much as I thought I HAD to. Instead I will do only a little revising tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and hope for the best. I´ll need my nerves and a clear head! I realize now that a lot of the pressure I have been putting on myself was by saying to myself constantly that I still Must do this and Must look up this...and I knew that all of that was simply impossible.
Talking to my boyfriend I realized, too, that as long as I pass two of the four subjects (one being my major) will be enough. It´s something I forgot when in the state I was when I posted this entry. So, if I don´t remember tomorrow, I will look here!
Thanks again, and I´ll go to bed now and think about what I will treat myself with, when I´m through with this stupid test! And Tine: We will fight these demons!

At 9:57 PM, Anonymous tine said...

;-) I believe in you, Bea.

Sleep well and have beautiful dreams with lots of glowing and peaceful sparkles!

At 8:29 AM, Blogger isay said...

Nice to know you are feeling a little better now Bea!

Just take some minutes once in a while to close your eyes, breathe deeply and don't think of anything....

God Bless

At 5:43 PM, Anonymous Hanna said...

If you fail it will not be the end of the world, and you proabably won't and you know it deep down inside.

You can take the test again if you do...

And you will still be a creative and very nice person that seams to know what she wants and is getting it done. Hurray on you!

good luck Bea!

At 8:46 AM, Blogger Bea said...

Thank you all again for your uplifting comments! It´s so nice that you are thinking of me.


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