Journal of a Mouse

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Reality Strikes...



I´m sorry for not being very entertaining on my blog these days. I feel a little frustrated. I have a lot of ideas for different kinds of projects, pictures that pop up from nowhere in my head, ... but somehow I can´t get myself to actually realize any of them. I have started. Oh yes. But I gave up after the first little steps. What is wrong with me? Before my exams it was easier for me to make time for my projects. It was like I wanted to create all day long and never do anything else again. Was that just a means of procrastination? I don´t want to believe that.
Maybe my current situation is just so depressing that I think it makes no sense to sit at my desk painting or enjoying myself doing something crafty when that will never bring in any money. Or at least not any time soon. The job situation here is terrible. Not just for former law students, but also for anyone working in a more creative field.
When you are unemployed in Germany you get a certain amount of money (depending on the income you had before) from the state for a year (because I paid for social security from my income before). After that you´re on state welfare. Now, that´s all not too bad. At least you have some kind of financial security. But the amount of money I get is way below that of my friends, who passed their exams a year ago. So low that I can´t even go on paying my share of the rent. They changed some regulations and I am really angry about that. I can get the additional amount of money I need for paying the rent only when my boyfriend can´t pay for me. Because we live together, the state nowadays expects the more wealthy partner to come up for the expenses of the unemployed partner. This is so unfair. I would have to prove that we are not living as a couple. That´s impossible. And they know that. So they make me dependant on my partner wether or not I want that. I think it is okay when people are married. But when you are not married you normally do that because you still want to be independant... Oh, I hate it. Because now I feel guilty for being unemployed and being a financial burden for my boyfriend. I think he doesn´t hold any grudges against me. But I feel guilty anyway. So now I don´t just have the pressure of having to find a job, but of not burdening my boyfriend for too long either.
I need a job. It all drives me nuts. That´s probably the reason why I´m lacking the inner peace to sit here and just enjoy my day and create. Just in case you all have wondered what´s wrong with me. I need a goal again. Some kind of perspective for my life. Please wish me luck.

7 Comments:

At 8:29 PM, Blogger isay said...

how i wish i can share and say something to you to make you feel better but i also got some problems nowadays. anyway, i am sending my big hugs to you. thank you also for sharing this part of you....

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger Bea said...

Thank you, Isay! Sometimes it´s just nice to be able to vent all those frustrations and have people understand. I hope you will resolve your problems, too! Big hugs to you!

 
At 7:00 AM, Anonymous eloqui said...

You're in my thoughts, Bea. Been missing you!
I wish you Peace and all Good things,
and I hope you'll enjoy some creative play again soon. Keep strong, now! Warm Hug to you. : ) xxx

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Bea said...

Thank you so much, eloqui! And big hugs to you, too!

 
At 7:08 PM, Anonymous eloqui said...

: ) xxx

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Lesley said...

Good luck, I hope you find a job you enjoy really soon.

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger Bea said...

Thanks!!!

 

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