Journal of a Mouse

Friday, August 12, 2005

Small Sketch

I´m really nervous because of the results of my written exams. They will either be sent off next week or the week after. I have such an aversion to studying these days! And I feel guilty because all I want to do is paint! So I do neither one nor the other... Sometimes I wish that I didn´t pass my exams. Studying law feels so wrong! And I feel that I can´t wait even one day longer for living my dreams! Being true to myself is so important to me, that I actually sometimes wish for having failed at my exams... I know it sounds crazy. I wouldn´t have understood a few years back either... I just can´t wait anymore! I want to be able to live my life the way I want to - right now! I´m tired of pushing myself to do things I have no interest in anymore. I´m finished with this.
I started to paste some magazine cut-outs into my new visual goul journal today. I had collected articles and images of people who lead a creative life. An illustrator, some women who have a great store selling felted goodies, a woman who paints and sells old furniture and knickknacks... I only glued in the article about the illustrator. All the other ideas I had collected suddenly seemed wrong to put in my journal. If I´m really honest, I want to be an illustrator. I don´t care if it will take me ten years or twenty or thirty years before my drawings are good enough. Even if they stay the way they are now. I want to draw. I want to paint. Everything else I only want to do as a hobby. I hope I will find a part time job, so that I can make my own money, but will still be able to draw and paint a lot, take classes, ... Call me crazy, but that´s what I want to do. And it actually scares me to death! But I´m going to do it anyway! So now it´s out!


At 10:58 PM, Blogger Roz said...

Everything you're saying doesn't sound crazy at all. I started illustrating and writing my own books when I was six and then didn't revisit- realize my true calling- until I was 30 years old.

Funny how it all comes full circle eventually.

But don't wish to fail with your exams lady! This degree will give you a great income while you are building your illustration career.

At 8:35 AM, Blogger Bea said...

Roz, it´s so good to read this! Thank you so much! I feel better already!
I don´t really wish to fail... it´s just that I´m sooo impatient! And I´m only still going for my degree, because I hope for better chances on the job market, plus it gave me time to find out what I really want to do. The job market for everything law-related and many other career fields is really bad here in Germany. Most graduates don´t find jobs. I know many people who were by far better than I can hope for and are now on unemployment for over a year already. So maybe that´s also a reason why this degree doesn´t seem to make sense to me any more. But of course it will look a lot better to future employers (in any field) if I get this degree, I guess.
And now I´m curious...what did you do before becoming an illustrator? And do you still have the books you wrote and illustrated as a six-year-old?

At 3:29 AM, Anonymous tine said...

Oh, so pretty, what a great sketch!! More please!!! I can't wait to see hwta she will look like when you got her finished!! :-D

At 5:22 PM, Blogger Bea said...

Oh, Tine, you´re so sweet! I actually didn´t intend to make a painting of this sketch...but I guess now I will, hee, hee!Just for you :-) But it might take a little time, as I´m quite busy these days.


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